Make it a Merry Christmas, Please
by BlackBear53
Summary: Deeks feels the loneliness of the holidays without Kensi. How does he fix this?


Marty Deeks stood at the fence of the ice rink where his life had begun anew a year ago. He glanced around the rink at all the Christmas decorations that had been placed there. Green trees festooned with red and gold ornaments and fake snow gave the arena a sense of wonder and light. Tiny spots of white warmed the area with the glow of the holiday season as well. Christmas carols played over the loud speakers as the skaters moved around the arena. Currently, Silent Night played and the mood of the seasons became more of a melancholy essence to him and the feelings of the holiday were lost.

It had been one year ago that Kensi had given her all in. That had been the best day of his life. He had the girl he loved in his arms and the promise of happy ever after just within his reach. Today he didn't feel those things; he felt alone and helpless. The girl who had held his dreams stepped away from him and his dark past. A past that he'd kept from her: a past that he'd been unwilling to share with her because of his own fear, the one of losing her.

This whole problem went back to Gordon John Brandel and his belief that Marty would never amount to anything; Brandel and his LAPD partner, Francis Boyle, who was as dirty as they came had made Deeks feel much less than what he truly is, a strong, inherently good man. Both men had done irreversible damage to his psyche and laughed while they did it. All he ever wanted to do was good in this world and with them whispering in his ear, he'd never felt his good was never good enough. His arrest had been his father's prophecy come to life.

Kensi had begun to make him feel his worth. She had tried so hard to help him through whatever Internal Affairs looked for. He could just never tell her what that would be and he'd hurt her and their relationship with that secrecy.

Not only had he lost his girl, he'd lost his partner. She was now paired up with Sam and in turn he'd been paired up with Callen.

Both he and Callen had been blessed with the women in their lives one year ago and now both have lost those women for one reason or another and it made the holiday season more difficult for both of them. Neither one knew what to say to make the other feel better about themselves. Callen and he had spent many evenings in the boatshed with a six pack and had time to talk about their lives. Neither one expected it to get better any time soon. He'd wanted to spend more time with his team leader, as a friend, but not the two of them as a cohort of lost loves.

Now it was getting darker and the wind had begun to kick up. The palms that lined the park rustled and their noise was an eerie reminder of how alone he felt. Even the friendship of G Callen didn't begin to make a dent in the loneliness of not having Kensi. The ornaments on the Christmas trees that created the images of the holidays rattled against one another. It grated on his nerves and made his loneliness deeper. He turned to leave and his imagination began playing out. He imagined that Kensi walked toward him, but it wasn't her. A lovely young lady walked his way. She had the long dark hair and the same body build as Kensi, but she lacked the mismatched eyes of his woman. He laughed a cold hard laugh out loud at that, startling the others around him. No, she no longer wished to be his woman, girl or whatever. She spoke to him for only business purposes. All jocularity that had once been there was gone, just like her. He had his job back and his freedom but in reality… not the life he wanted.

As he walked the distance to his pick-up truck the aloneness grew unbearable and he pulled out his phone. The number he dialed was one he knew by heart. He just hoped she picked up.

It rang and rang but just as he went to hang up she haltingly answered. "Deeks?"

His joy at her answering and the sound of her voice, however hesitant it might be, made him grin. "Kensi, I just want to say Merry Christmas to you."

Kensi's voice was uncertain and she spoke softly as she responded. "Merry Christmas to you as well. Please give your mom my best wishes as well."

Deeks fondled the package in his coat pocket. He'd bought it the week before the arrest happened and before he could explain to both Kensi and his mom what was going down. He'd hoped to give it to her for Christmas but for now he'd go home and put it in the drawer. He looked over the roof of his truck at the bustling streets of the city. Everyone he saw reminded him of what life could be with her. He closed his eyes and hoped for the best before continuing his conversation. "My mom wants to know if we'll see you this Christmas."

Kensi didn't speak for a moment. "Marty..maybe this isn't the best time for this. I'm going to spend the holiday with my mom at her place." She stopped briefly before continuing her thought. "I want to take becoming friends again slowly, if you don't mind."

Deeks heart skipped a beat. She'd given a bit of hope to him. "Kens, I know that I kept things from you and I shouldn't have but there is a dark side to me that you've never seen. I hide it from everyone I know. My mom knows about it. She's seen it. I once told you that I am like my father and in some respects it's true. Talk to my mom about this." He hoped she was still listening. "Francis Boyle is someone who I'd like to forget but I guess I have to talk about him and if I do I want you there to hear it. Hetty is calling back Nate to help me. Kensi, I need you there to witness it."

What he couldn't know was that her heart broke to hear him like this. Deeks never used the word 'need.' It must be serious for him to do that. Here is where she would get into trouble and she needed to be careful. Her head told her to put space between her and Marty but her heart wanted the complete opposite and the two warred inside her. "Ok, Deeks, I'll be there when Nate gets back. Marty, tell your mom I miss her."

He gave a little chuckle. "I'll tell her." He couldn't leave well enough alone. "What about me?" He hoped she accepted the question for what it was worth, just a chuckle.

She smiled and shook her head. That's the Deeks she loved, always pushing the envelope trying to get things done. "Don't push it Deeks." She warned him but she already knew what the response to that would be. "Sure, I, sort of miss you, but mostly I miss Monty." She felt the need to throw the little dig in.

Her response gave him hope and the nerve to push a little harder. "Kensi, meet me for a drink at Casey's. I can be there in thirty minutes. Please?"

She could see his puppy dog eyes begging for her to say yes. Casey's was right around the corner from her place and sometimes the team met there. It wasn't a dating place so there would be none of the pressure that goes with dating. Whether or not it was a good idea to meet him was another topic of discussion between her heart and head. She ignored her brain. "Okay, I'll be there. We're beginning to talk, right? No rushing anything or I go home. Is that the deal?"

Marty thought his heart would burst with joy. "You got it Kensi. I won't pressure you we'll just talk and have a beer. Alright?"

Kensi almost started laughing in response to his question but instead she answered quietly. "Okay Deeks, I'll be there."

Thirty-five minutes later Deeks sat in a booth waiting. Part of him hoped that Kensi showed up willing to listen and the other part shied away from telling her the truth almost like he hoped she wouldn't come. He feared that she'd run from him if she knew the truth and it pervaded his soul. She knew that his youth had been rough but how rough, no, she had no idea and he felt like he'd want to shield her from that. But it wouldn't wash and he knew it. She wanted the truth no matter how gritty and heart-breaking it may be. Both he and his mother wore the visible scars of the abuse that Brandel meted out and both had the emotional scars. For some reason those didn't want to fade like the external ones. They were the easiest to hide from friends and lovers, but not from your innermost self. Deeks musings almost made him miss Kensi's arrival.

She came through the door of Casey's slowly. If truth be known, her own courage was flagging. The glance at the table where the team met disappointed her. He wasn't there. Maybe he'd changed his mind and wouldn't come after all.

Deeks watched her gorgeous face as it fell when she didn't see him at the other table. He feared that she would just turn and walk back out.

Kensi scanned the room and their eyes met over the heads of the other few patrons. It was still early and later the business would pick up. Deeks waved her over to the booth and the look of relief that washed over her face made him feel better about this evening.

She smiled and moved to the booth. "I thought that you might have changed your mind when I saw the empty table."

Deeks gave her one of his smiles. "I'd never stand you up. I asked you to come, so, here we are. I switched the tables so it would be like a new beginning for us. Is that okay with you?"

Kensi sat back in the booth and looked down at her nails. What she needed to say could end this before it even started but she would say it anyway. "Before any new beginnings we need to finish with the old. Do you see that? Marty we can't keep these kinds of things from each other anymore. I want to know all there is to know about you, everything, the good and the bad. We both have things to share. I want to know Max Gentry, for what he's worth and the real Marty Deeks, not just the clown you put out there for others to see. You are a good man, maybe a little flawed, but which of us isn't?"

Marty pushed up closer to the table to make up for the room she'd made when she moved back in her seat. "I understand that and it will happen, I promise. That's why I want you there when I talk with Nate. My father, and I cringe when I call him that, crippled me emotionally. I've never been good enough for anything or anybody, ever. He's still there inside my head, telling me that every day. Max tries to bully me into believing it or he tries to protect me. I never know where he's coming from. Then there was Francis Boyle, there's a piece of work for you. Dirty cop doesn't even come close to describing him. His being a despicable human being is closer. He tortured me over and over again about being a 'goody-goody' cop. I wanted to help people and he wanted to help himself to what other people had. I tried for a year to get Internal Affairs to look at him to no avail. I wanted him be finished as a cop but not enough to kill him. But I did it to protect someone." He reached across the table for her hand which she placed in his. "I just want this night for Max and Fern to get to know one another and to try to build on that information. Is that alright with you?"

Kensi nodded in acceptance of all that Deeks had said. She wanted the same thing. Most of what he just told her, she knew, but if he was willing to talk she'd listen. It showed he would be willing in the future. "In turn I will open up about myself as well. There is so much that you don't know about me, my youth, my parents and their divorce, my dad's death, you know part of it but not how I dealt with it. I want you to know about those two years I spent on the street and my rescue. I went back to school and graduated at the top of my class. That made college easier for me and I want you to know how I made the choice to join NCIS. All of this will take time and that is what we need, time." With their hands joined it seemed as right as it had always felt. Both of them looked into the others eyes and smiled.

Kensi looked from Deeks smile to the half empty bar. "What does it take to get a drink around here? Has Jake lost his mind letting customers sit so long?"

Deeks shot her one of his megawatt smiles and gave a small chuckle. "I wasn't sure you'd want a drink with me and I wanted to get our talk over with, without interruption so I told Jake to have Reese give us some time, at least until I signaled her. Shall I?" When Kensi nodded Deeks raised his hand and Reese came over to the table. When the drinks arrived Deeks raised his glass in a salute. "Merry Christmas Fern!"

Kensi smiled in return and raised her glass. "Merry Christmas Max!"

They each sippled from their beer and it grew quiet. Kensi looked around the bar and her eyes landed on the Casey Christmas tree. It was a bit of a sad looking artificial one that got put up every year. It had the same bent branches and the same ornaments as when Kensi moved into her apartment six years ago. "Deeks, what does your tree look like? It must be huge to fit in your new living room."

Deeks had been watching Kensi's Christmas glow and his face fell at that question. "I don't have one. I haven't exactly been in the mood to put one up."

Kensi was flabbergasted at this. Marty Deeks was the consummate Christmas kid. He worked at the food shelf on Christmas Eve and had even played Santa for the orphanage once. "Deeks, finish your beer..we need to go. There are some wonderful trees on Segundo and Seventh Street. Finish up, come on, hurry up."

Deeks was shocked at her reaction. "Whoa girl, does this mean you're going to help me put up my tree?"

Kensi laughed at his question. "Of course, Sily, let's go get your tree."

Deeks swallowed what remained in his glass and got up to leave. Kensi left hers on the table. Deeks threw down twenty dollars and they walked to the door. "By the way Kensi, we also have to stop at a store and get decorations. Remember my tree last year. There were all of a dozen ornaments on that tiny tree. I'll need a few more."

She punched him in the shoulder and climbed into his pick up. "What are you waiting for? We need ornaments, tinsel and a star for the top. Let's go." She gave a scoot, scoot motion. "Christmas awaits Deeks." She stopped and pulled him back to gaze into his cobalt blue eyes. "Merry Chirstmas Deeks."


End file.
